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The Plucky Duck Show: Episode 18B

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Act Three

There is a loud clap of thunder accompanied by a white light. Fifi and Hamton wander amongst the trees, looking wet, cold and miserable. Fifi has her tail completely wrapped around her shapely body like a blanket. Hamton’s new set of overalls (that look the same as the originals) keep filling up with water and he has to pull them up to allow the rainwater to drain out of the legs. 

Fifi: (Shivers) Oh, Hamtone. We’re lost et alone… chilled to ze bone…

Hamton: (Sings) Silver Lady… 

Fifi looks at him, unimpressed. 

Hamton: (Sighs) Just tryin’ ta lighten the otherwise bleak mood. 

He looks up and does a double take. 

Hamton: (Shouts, pointing) Look! 

We pan over to a rather pleasant looking cabin accompanied by a thunderclap. Fifi excitedly claps her hands. 

Fifi: (Joyfully) Oh, hooray! We are saved! 

She sprints towards the cabin. Hamton runs after her. 

Hamton: (Shocked) Fifi! Fifi, wait! 

Just as the skunkette reaches the porch, the pig seizes her wrist. 

Hamton: (Breathlessly) Feef...let’s not be too hasty. I-It could be dangerous. 

Fifi: (With a raised eyebrow) Dangerous, Hammy? In vat way? 

Hamton: Wellll…

We enter an imagination sequence. Fifi knocks on the door and a hairy, grimy Criminal wearing a black and white striped uniform jerks it open.

Hamton: (Narrating) A dangerous criminal could be using it as a hideout. 

The Criminal grabs Hamton and Fifi and thrusts them into a burlap sack. 

Hamton: (Narrating) He might kidnap us so that we don’t blow his cover. 

The Criminal then throws the sack, with the pig and skunkette inside, into a pot of boiling water. 

Hamton: (Narrating) But then he might get hungry after eatin’ nothin’ but bread an’ water in prison. He might boil us alive an’ eat us! 

The imagination sequence ends. 

Hamton: (Fretting) We’ll be pork chops an’...whatever you make outta skunks!

Fifi: (Smirks) At least ah would give ‘im halitosis. Hammy, tu are worrying over nothing. 

Hamton: (Suspiciously) Am I though? 

We enter another imagination sequence. Fifi knocks on the door and Banjo Possum answers it. He seizes Fifi and Hamton and yanks them inside. 

We cut to the other members of Banjo’s family throwing Hamton and Fifi into a pot of boiling water. 

The imagination sequence ends. 

Fifi: (Amused) Vat eez ze difference?

Hamton: (Worriedly) Opossums carry several diseases. 

Fifi: (Giggles) Well, do not worry, mon Conniechon. Eef zere eez un dangerous lunatic dans zis maison, ah will not let zem get tu. 

She knocks on the door. Hamton cringes in mortal terror. But, nothing happens. 

Fifi: (Calling) ‘Allo? Eez anybody zere? 

She raps on the door. 

Fifi: (Calling) Please? Mah boyfriend et ah are lost dans ze storm! Can vous let us in? 

Hamton: (Clears throat) There doesn’t seem ta be anyone home… I wonder why.

He leans against the door...and falls through it as it swings open. Fifi crosses the threshold as Hamton rubs his head. 

Fifi: (Musing) Zere must be un lightswitch somewhere…

After fumbling about in the dark for a few minutes, we hear a click as the lights come on to reveal a rather pleasant and cosy front room. 

The lights are dimmed down low, and there are pictures of fruit hung up on the walls. There’s also a bearskin rug that resembles Yogi Bear

Hamton: (Awestruck) Wow! 

The camera cuts to the living room, where a fire is suddenly lit in the fireplace. Fifi and Hamton scamper up to it, but the pig then scampers back to wipe his hooves on the welcome mat and closes the door.

Fifi warms her hands and her tail over the fire. 

Fifi: (Satisfied) Ahhhh… (Sighs) Vat luck! We ‘ave found somewhere to shelter et keep warm during ze storm. (To Hamton) Trés convenient, no? 

Hamton: (Cheerily) Yeah! I guess I was bein’ kinda paranoid. (Excitedly) Oh, I nearly forgot! The kitchen has a garbage disposal! Look! 

He zips offscreen. We cut to the kitchen, which looks so clean, it’s uncanny. Near the kettle is a familiar sandwich toaster. Hamton opens the fridge, awestruck at the huge amount of food inside. 

Hamton: (Excitedly) Boyoboyoboyoboy! 

He empties the fridge and makes a sandwich. We cut to a luxurious looking bedroom with a double bed. Fifi admires herself in a gorgeous vanity.

Fifi: (Sultrily) Ooh, la, la! 

She suddenly sees a perfume bottle and picks it up, staring intently. 

Fifi: (Awed) Mon dieu! Zis perfume eez impossible to buy! 

She hugs it and then sprays it on herself, melting with joy.

Hamton: (From downstairs) Feef! They’ve got goose liver pâté! 

Fifi squeals, reforms herself and darts downstairs.  

Act Four

Plucky, Shirley and Cypress fly through the storm above the trees. 

Plucky: (Shouting) HAMMY?! FEEF?! 

Shirley: (Shouting) LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS, OR SOME JUNK?! 

Cypress: (Bemused, to Plucky) Y’know, I’m 21 years old an’ this is the first time I’ve flown. I didn’t even know we could fly! 

Plucky: (Shrugs) Depends on the plot, I guess. (Looking down) You seen the lovebirds, yet? 

Cypress: (Frustrated) No, I see nothin’ but green. 

Plucky: (Sniggers) Try lookin’ down. 

Cypress looks down. 

Cypress: (Dejectedly) I still see nothin’ but green. We’ll never find ‘em! 

Shirley: (Exasperated) Like, Cypress, we’re lookin’ for a purple skunk an’ a pink pig, ya can’t exactly miss ‘em in all that green. 

Cypress: (Indignantly) Don’t sass me, young lady! I thought you were tryin’ ta sense their auras. 

Shirley: (Sighs) It’s mondo hard ta sense an’ fly at the same time. (Beat) Hey, like, wait a minute! I...I can sense something coming this way! 

Cypress: (Hopefully) Is it them?

Shirley: (Focusing) No...it’s mondo powerful...an’ painful. 

There is a flash of light and a burst of electricity. When it clears, the three waterfowl are burnt and charred. 

Plucky: (Coughs) Ouch.

They all plummet offscreen. 

We cut to Fifi and Hamton sat on the sofa, wearing dressing gowns and drinking a hot beverage out of some mugs in front of the fireplace. 

Hamton: (Blissfully) Y’know, this would be my ideal house when I retire.  

Fifi: (Sighs) Oui, although eet eez impossible pour moi to forget about being ze President, ah could settle down ‘ere. 

Hamton: (Chuckles) Well, not here. This cabin belongs to someone else. 

Fifi: (Giggles) Where are zey, zen? 

Hamton: (Yawns) They’re out there somewhere. You never know. I mean, they might appear outta nowhere, at this very moment!

We abruptly cut to the waterfowl falling towards the cabin. Plucky lands headfirst in the chimney and gets stuck. Then, Shirley collides with his behind, causing him to squeeze down the chimney, whilst she gets stuck in his place. 

We cut to the fireplace, where Hamton douses the fire. 

Hamton: (Knowingly) Many a Pig Scout will tell you that it’s important to put out a fire before you go to sleep. 

We cut to the rooftop, where Cypress collides with Shirley’s behind, causing her to get unstuck and squeeze down the chimney, where Cypress gets stuck in her place. 

We cut to the fireplace where Plucky and Shirley abruptly crash down, sending up a cloud of soot. Fifi and Hamton wheel round. Fifi holds her tail like a gun, whereas Hamton brandishes a broom. 

Hamton: (Flabbergasted) Santa Claus?

Plucky: (Sardonically) Ho, ho, ho. 

Fifi: (Surprised) Plucky? (Smirks) Or should ah say Professeur Canard? 

Shirley: (Groggily) And, like, don’t forget Melissa, or some junk! Oooooh…

Hamton: (Puzzled) What’re you guys doin’ here? 

Plucky: (Outraged) What’re we doin’ here?!

Hamton: Yeah, that’s what I said. 

Plucky: (Outraged) We came out here ta look for you! Remember, ya got blown away?! 

Fifi: (Giggles) Vous could ‘ave used ze door. 

Plucky: (Frustrated) We didn’t have much of a choice, did we?! We were flyin’ an’ we got struck by lightning! 

Cypress: (Offscreen) Uh, guys? Help! I’m stuck up here! 

The four Toons look up the chimney and the camera pans up to reveal Cypress wedged firmly in the mouth from her waist. 

Shirley: (Teasingly, to Cypress) Looks like someone totally needs ta take off a few pounds, or some junk! 

Cypress: (Defensively) This chimney’s not big enough! Pull me out!

Hamton: (Calling up) Don’t worry, Cypress! There’s probably a ladder in here somewhere! 

Plucky and Shirley are about to step out of the fireplace when…

Hamton: (Offscreen) NO!! 

They’re suddenly knocked back against the wall by a high pressure torrent of water. It washes the soot off of them. Choking and spluttering, Plucky and Shirley stand soaking wet in the fireplace. 

Hamton stares them down, snout to bill, toting a firehose. 

Hamton: (Incensed) Do you realise what you could’ve done?! It takes months ta get soot out of a shag carpet!!

Fifi: (Briskly) Alright, now zat ZAT eez out of ze way, let us get Cypress down. 

She crosses to the door and turns the knob. The door doesn’t open. 

Fifi: (Calling) Hamtone, where eez ze key? 

Hamton: Key? Uhhh, what key?  

Fifi: (Calling) From when we came in, cheri!

Hamton: (Nervously) Th-There was no key, Fifi. The door just opened up.

Fifi: (Confused) Zen, ‘ow do we get out? Ze door eez locked. 

Hamton: (Panic-stricken) Oh, no! We’re trapped! 

Plucky: (Exasperated) Aw, stop worryin’, Ham-Brain! Just climb out the window!

He crosses to the window and takes hold of the handle. He gets a brief, but painful, electric shock. 

Plucky: AGH! (Frustrated) What am I, some sorta electric conductor?? 

Shirley: (Concerned) Why are the windows electrified?

Hamton: (Chuckles nervously) Um...the owners are highly security conscious? 

Cypress: (Offscreen) Does this mean I’m stuck in here forever?! 

Suddenly, the camera pans out to reveal that someone is watching the group on a security camera. We can see other screens showing different rooms in the house. 

Monty: (Offscreen) They fell for it. (Cackles) They fell for it! The goose liver pâté always gets ‘em! They’re stuck in my convenient cabin, right where I want ‘em! 

Grovely: (Offscreen) Master Monty, I know all about your plan, why are you telling me it? 

Monty: (Offscreen) Shaddap, Grovely! I’ve learnt that, if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! This is MY idea for a spinoff! Four Toons livin’ under one roof. 

Grovely: (Offscreen) Very good, Master Monty. Although, how do you intend to impress the people at Warner Bros? You need a gimmick. 

Monty: (Offscreen) That’s where my Acme Age-Alternator comes in. I rigged the house with it, so anyone inside will either become an anklebiter or a codger in seconds! Look. Everybody loves babies, right? 

Grovely: (Offscreen) Well…

Monty: (Offscreen) Well, network executives do! So, maybe I’ll make a show all about two ducklings, a piglet and a skunk kitten livin’ under one roof! Observe!

We cut back to the cabin’s living room. Plucky, Shirley, Hamton and Fifi abruptly freeze and begin to shrink, suddenly wearing diapers and baby bonnets. 

Shirley: (Gurgles) Like, goo-goo! 

She crawls around, accidentally knocking Fifi down

Fifi: (Bawling) Le WAAAAAAAAAA!! 

Hamton suddenly sees a DustBuster lying next to him.

Hamton: (Coos) Ooh, dustbustew! 

The piglet starts bopping the DustBuster on the floor several times. 

Cypress: (Offscreen) What’re you guys doin’ down there?! The blood’s rushin’ to my head! Get me down! 

Grovely: (Offscreen) So, this is your spinoff? A quartet of infants who do nothing but cry and do disgusting things because they’re not toilet trained? 

Monty: (Offscreen) Yeah, but they’re cute! 

Plucky is about to stick a fork into a plug socket. 

Grovely: (Offscreen) It’s bad enough you’ve got loan sharks, but don’t let the social workers come after you, too. 

Monty: (Offscreen) Oh, alright. Killjoy. I guess these tots need a babysitter. (Beat) Hey! Everyone loves robots, right?

Grovely: (Offscreen) Well…

Monty: (Offscreen) Network Executives do! So...let’s give ‘em a robot babysitter! 

We cut to the kitchen. With a mechanical whirr and a clank, the sandwich toaster suddenly converts back into Spittoon. The robot butler has been seriously damaged and constantly short-circuits and moves in an erratic manner.

Spittoon: (Sluggish) BabIeS RuLe...O.K? 

The camera cuts to the four babies in the living room. They all stop what they’re doing upon seeing the malfunctioning Spittoon clank towards them.

Spittoon: (Sluggish) HeLlo, B-B-B-Baaaaaaaaaaaaabies! WhO wANts to PLay? 

The babie’s eyes widen with fear. Green musk wafts out from Fifi’s diaper. 

Spittoon: (Sings) If YoU’rE hApPy aNd you KNOw it, (Jams) clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap…

Monty: (Offscreen) Man, that’s horrifying. (Shrugs) It can be a parody of a baby show! 

Cypress: (Offscreen) Guys...what’s with that creepy voice? And why does it sound familiar? 

Hamton: (Crying) WAAAAAAAAAAAA!! 

Cypress: (Offscreen, sheepish) Well, don’t cry, I wasn’t talkin’ about you! 

Spittoon: (Jammed) Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap (Sings) Your hAnDs! If YoU’rE hApPy aNd you KNOw it, (Jams) clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap…

Grovely: (Offscreen) With all due respect, this idea is most dull, Master Monty.

Monty: (Offscreen) Shut up, Grovely. (Beat) This was a dumb idea. Let’s try thinkin’ outside the box. Hey! Everyone does baby shows, right? 

Grovely: (Offscreen) Yes…

Monty: (Offscreen) So, I’m gonna do an old people show! 

Plucky, Shirley, Hamton and Fifi abruptly freeze and begin to grow, suddenly getting old and wizened. They’re hunched over with canes and hearing aids.

Spittoon: (Jammed) Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap…

Plucky: (Crankily, regarding Spittoon) Hamton, there’s somethin’ wrong with this new-fangled telly-o-phone! 

He hits Spittoon with his cane, cracking his back in the process. 

Hamton: (Confused) Eh? Smelly old bone, ya say? 

Fifi meanders up to Spittoon

Fifi: (Squinting, regarding Spittoon) Zat young Christmas cracker…

Hamton: (Correcting) Whippersnapper…

Fifi: (Regarding Spittoon) Whipperznapper reminds moi of a 75 year old Johnny Pew. 

She begins whacking Spittoon with her cane. 

Shirley: (Absentmindedly) Like, I need the bathroom, or some junk. 

She creaks slowly offscreen. 

Shirley: (Offscreen) Like, what did I come in here for, or some junk? 

Cypress: (Offscreen, moaning) Guys, stop playin’ around! 

Plucky: (Wheezes, to Cypress) Ahh, shaddap! And respect yer elders! 

Monty: (Offscreen) This isn’t working. 

Grovely: (Offscreen) How about you keep them at their normal age?

Monty: (Offscreen) I got it! I’ll keep ‘em at their normal age! 

Plucky, Hamton and Fifi abruptly freeze and change back to normal. 

Plucky: (Baffled) What the heck just happened? 

Shirley: (Offscreen, confused) Like, how’d I get in the bathroom or some junk? 

Monty: (Offscreen) Okay, let’s see what we got here. Four teenagers trapped in a cabin. Two boys, two girls… That’s it! 

Plucky, Hamton and Fifi abruptly freeze briefly before going back to normal.

Fifi: (To Hamton) Ah do not know vat eez going on...or ‘ow we shall get out…

She seizes her boyfriend by the wrist. 

Fifi: (Sensually) Mais ah suddenly ‘ave ze urge to be amorous avec tu.

She drags him upstairs. 

Hamton: (Happily) No complaints here! 

Plucky: (To the camera) What was that all about? And why do I feel the same way? 

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